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Follow Me

I have played with many people over the years that I've been involved in BDSM and spanking, and I have even had a few partners I belonged to in some way for some time. Each relationship, each scene, has always impacted me in some way...but very few have ever had the impact on me in such a positive and challenging way as Ladyheart has.

Our relationship started out so subtle that it was barely noticeable. Cuddling with her in a chatroom, occasional scoldings, a bite or a nipple pinch here and there. We often giggled in private together when someone would assume I was hers, since we really didn't give a whole lot of indication that that was the case. I can't even remember when or how the relationship grew into what it has. As Uncle Kracker puts it, "You don't know how you met me you don't know why, you can't turn around and say good-bye." Somewhere along the lines it got to a point where we couldn't turn around and go back to the "just friends" we were before but were not ready to force time and complicate the relationship with titles and formalities. At the same time, a lot of feelings on my part were coming up, and while I was very content with the relationship the way it was, I was scared to share my feelings, scared they would be too much and lead to rejection. I knew better in my heart, but my head wasn't really open to accepting that.

Part of the growth of our relationship included the list. We don't get to see each other that often, so misdeeds and punishments have a way of adding up between meetings...thus, the "list". Every time I displeased her or disobeyed her, I would get another check by my name on her list. Since discipline is something very important to me, it always felt very right that someone I trusted so much take over that part of my life.

When I first saw "the list" in person, I was pleasantly surprised. I had expected a plain notebook, or a sheet of paper or something along those lines. It was a hardcover calendar book, beautiful photos adorning the pages throughout. On certain days were notes of my misdeeds, and their corresponding punishments written in neat script. It made me feel very special that my Domme paid such detailed attention to the task, and made me feel that she really did care about me and my behavior and knew how important this was to me.

Punishment has long been my main need and desire in spanking. There used to be a time when I couldn't enjoy any sort of spanking unless it had a punishment context, and I've gone to great and sometimes very dangerous lengths to try and meet that at the level I needed it. No matter how hard the spanking and no matter how firm the lecture, I've always felt like an actress going through the motions only to snap out of character after it was all over, trying to convince myself it was enough. There was always a missing element that no one could seem to fill, and I couldn't seem to identify. Not for lack of trying.

My desire for punishment always has unnerved me a little. How could I want something like that? How could it really be real if it was something I craved? It didn't make any sense to me. Every scene was started with a nervous apprehension that this time I would really find what I was looking for, this time someone would really mean it, and my search would be over. I was always disappointed. Even if the punishment itself seemed to fit the mold, the lack of aftercare and overall lack of caring in general always left it far from what I really needed. It wasn't particularly anything my partners were or were not doing, just that our relationships were never such that would make it work.

The first time I got a checkmark on Lady's list, it didn't have as much of an impact as later times. It was all sort of a fun and games situation in my mind, a reason for her to spank me. As our relationship and closeness grew, a lot of my feelings about some things changed...and every time I earned another entry onto her list, that newfound feeling of dread would creep up. I hated disappointing her, hated to think that she needed to go to these measures to get me to listen and respect what she wanted from me. As the list grew, so did my unease....why wasn't the usual thrill there? Each time I was informed of another entry, my face would flush and my chest would get tight, but it wasn't from the thrill of getting caught, or the thought of my upcoming punishment...it was from my own disappointment with myself over having disappointed her.

The list grew longer, until the numbers themselves were starting to scare me. I knew how hard she spanked from previous playtimes, and the thought of 90 with the bathbrush when one was enough to make me howl really made me apprehensive. I was still struggling with the new feelings that were coming with this punishment; my old predictable feelings were not there, and these new ones were a lot more complicated, a lot harder to understand. Lady had told me that I wasn't allowed to play with anyone until this punishment was over, and informed me that she planned to take care of it right away on Thursday night when we saw each other. She noted when others talked about playing with me that this time, everyone could work around her marks. I loved the feeling of belonging that I got when she said that, the aura of possessiveness. It was subtle, but more than enough for me to feel special and wanted.

Part of the punishment included 20 minutes of corner time in the party suite, and every time she spoke to me or looked at me for the afternoon my heart would skip a little, sure she was about to send me to the corner. I was dreading it, I hated corner time and was worried about how I would react to it in public, hearing people talking around me but not knowing what they were saying. It was a borderline limit with me, and one I wouldn't have trusted anyone else with. I knew Lady was aware of these fears, and the fact that she wasn't letting them alter her plans made me feel that she was secure enough in her knowledge of me as a person that she was ok with pushing that limit a bit. That made it ok for me; I knew she was in tune enough with me to know it would be all right.

When she finally did send me to the corner, I whined in protest but she was firm, pointing to the corner, her gaze giving me that stern look that always made me melt into obedience. I was relieved she hadn't made me lower my pants since the threat had been to do the corner time bare bottomed, but part of me was a little disappointed too. I had worn my "Rub My Duckie" panties and was rather looking forward to flashing the room with them. It is probably good that I didn't have that chance though, especially in the corner since the laughing that would have resulted would have unnerved me. The corner time seemed to drag on forever, I heard someone giggle a few times and was sure everyone was laughing at me, but I knew Lady wouldn't allow that, and the reminder of that protection made me feel better. When it was finally over I snuggled into a pouty hug, feeling suddenly proud that I had been able to do that for her and proud that I was the one that had the relationship with her that allowed for such a scene. Anyone else, I would have laughed in their face at the idea of it...but not Lady's.

There were so many things that were slowly changing in my time with her, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised that my views and needs in regards to punishment and discipline were taking on a whole new twist as well. My mind wandered to the feelings I was discovering already so far this weekend. I used to never understand many aspects of submission nor want them as a part of my life, but even her asking me to do something for her made me feel very submissive in a very good way. I enjoyed doing things for her, I even got a thrill out of addressing her properly (even though I was still struggling a lot with that, the desire to overcome it was a good feeling and I hoped it was something we could work on together). I felt secure when she enforced rules on me, or did things that simply pleased her. All feelings that had so much potential to be explored yet, it was wonderful. Even the more powerful context of discipline had so much potential. So many relationships I had been in have come prepackaged with expectations and wants...ours was being created as we went and as we learned more about each other.

With the public corner time over, I now had the rest of the punishment to obsess about. When she finally pulled me aside and indicated it was time, I nearly started crying my mind was such a jumble of emotions. I was a little scared; nothing was familiar this time, none of the feelings I usually got with a punishment were there. There was no thrill or excitement, just dread and a resolve to handle it well for her, to please her. It was not all about me this time. I felt extremely pouty, part of me not willing to let her see how much this was affecting me, how strong the hold was. Part of me couldn't let go of that fear of rejection that always had a grip on me, and I hid my fears behind a sullen pout.

We sat on the bed, her showing me the entries in the book. I again marveled at how detailed and organized they were, the feeling of security that I felt at her caring so much was starting to overwhelm that fear of rejection every time I picked up on those little signals. Getting away with something makes me feel almost betrayed and very insecure, and thus far she wasn't letting me get away with anything, being very true to her word and following through.

She ordered me to take off my pants and I obeyed hesitantly, the poutiness still creeping its way through my attitude. The first was a warm-up with the strap, and usually I would enjoy a strapping no matter how hard it was. The first few whacks caught me off guard, they hurt on a whole new level I'd never been exposed to, or perhaps never allowed myself to be exposed to. It was like that protective wall I always put between myself and the implement and even the person using it to make it bearable, to make it feel good, had suddenly disappeared. All that was there was the pain, the disappointment of her having to get through to me in this way, and that never-ending fear that seeing such raw emotion from me would scare her and lead to rejection. I felt this urge to protect her from my confusion, not wanting to give the impression that she was doing something to me that I didn't want. Not that I wanted the punishment, but I wanted it to be a part of our relationship and wanted it to be something I trusted her to do, and she wanted to give me. I have a feeling she did pick up on that though, as the strokes were lighter than I had expected or braced myself for. The number and severity of the strokes suddenly lost much meaning in this punishment however...all that really mattered was that she was getting through to me and that instead of craving each stroke, I was just craving for it to be over, for the forgiveness that came after and knowing that I had a chance to start over, to please her with my actions rather than to disappoint.

The 30 with the strap was followed by 50 with the rubber ruler on inner thighs, 75 with the cracker barrel paddle, 90 with the bathbrush, with another 20 minutes of corner time squeezed in the middle. The ruler on my thighs really stung, I had to struggle so hard to keep my position and keep my thighs spread. It had been over 6 months since I had really been spanked other than at my own hand, and I think I had gotten used to thinking that it didn't really hurt.

I was having a hard time keeping still, I think I almost wanted to be told to stay in position, needed to hear the firmness in her voice that left no doubt that I deserved this. I felt guilty for having made her have to do this to me, and could sense her confusion at the severity and range of my reactions and feel that same doubt in her own actions. I couldn't blame her, everything I knew about myself was not tying into the way I was reacting and I was even having a hard time reading myself, much less expecting someone else to understand. I just hoped she was secure enough in her feelings for me to know that eventually we would both figure them out.

The corner time was much harder this time around. I wanted to be back to the punishment, simply because it allowed me to be near Lady. She let me stare at the wall for a few minutes, fidgeting impatiently and trying to make sense of the whirl of emotions I was feeling. I could sense her behind me, getting through the minutes by knowing soon I would be back in the security of her touch, even if it was going to hurt for awhile. She tapped me to indicate I was to turn around and face her, and I bit my lip and looked at her knowing what was coming. Usually I can tune a lecture out, mumble out nondescript answers and avoid looking my partner in the eye, but Lady wasn't having none of that. She quietly asked me why I was in this situation, and my mind suddenly went blank with panic, worried my answer wouldn't be the one that would please her even though I knew the answer very well. After all I had thought of little else for the last few weeks. I wanted so badly to address her properly, to answer appropriately, but I just couldn't seem to force it out. We went through my list of misdeeds, each one making me feel more and more ashamed, a feeling I had never had to really deal with in a punishment.

She wrapped up the lecture and motioned me to get back into position on the bed. I was feeling closer and closer to her with each section of the punishment; no matter what my reactions were, she wasn't backing down, and that made me feel so secure. I could really be myself, I could really not worry about impressing her by how much I could take, I didn't have to try and give the impression it was getting through to me or that it was a punishment to me because it really WAS. I wasn't acting anymore, I wasn't manipulating someone into giving me the thrill I always thought I craved. I had earned this punishment and felt I deserved it even though I didn't want it, there was no way I was getting out of it. The jolt I got from that feeling was entirely different than the thrill I used to get, this thrill came from the very first time I opened up enough to not map out my reactions or responses. I just let myself be myself, and trusted that Lady would accept me as I was. The thrill of connecting with someone without that wall between me and my feelings to dilute them. I had a long way to go yet, but it was a start. I finally realized that the missing element all those other times was the lack of real caring on both ends...me caring enough not to need to manipulate a punishment out of my partner and really be honest in my feelings, and them for caring enough about me and my attitude and behavior to correct it. I really cared for Lady; as a friend, as a Domme, and as a disciplinarian.

The last five with the bathbrush were the worst, hard strokes that made me clutch the pillow tightly and whimper. It was over, and I cuddled up to her, fighting back tears. The punishment itself had been a lot lighter than I expected, but I hadn't expected the strength of my emotions, and don't think Lady had either. I hoped that we could explore these feelings together, and make sense of them in due time. I wanted her to know that no matter how hard it had been for me, no matter how confused I was by my own reactions, I very much appreciated the time and attention she gave to my behavior, and would never forget how special that made me feel. I wanted to somehow make her feel special too, to let her know that her efforts were unique and effective, but I wasn't sure how to tell her this, so I simply gave her a hug and told her I loved her. The rest would come out in due time. She told me that when I got back to the party room, I could thank Cali for letting us use her bedroom for the punishment. I flushed as I walked up to her and quietly thanked her, getting a hug for my efforts and glowing in the smile I earned from Lady. I spent the rest of the weekend enjoying my scenes just for what they were, and actually craving sensations without that punishment context...something very new and long overdue for me.

Part of growing in a relationship is learning to talk about the confusions and feelings without being threatened by the strength of them. Nothing will ever happen exactly as it is planned, and there is something to learn about each other from so many interactions. I learned that I need to be more honest in my reactions, to let someone in deep enough and trust that they will not hurt me or reject me. I made the first step towards that in a very long time, and it will take a lot of talking, acceptance and even practice to keep this going in a positive direction. I trust Lady more than I've trusted anyone in a very long time, and no matter where the relationship goes or no matter what happens, I know in my heart I will never regret that.

She tucked me in that night, finding my stuffed duckie and pulling the blankets around me as I wrapped myself around my pillow, planting a kiss on my forehead as I dozed off and whispering that she loved me. For the first time in a long time that anyone's said that to me, I really truly believed it. I smiled as the words to that familiar song floated into my head once again as I drifted off...I didn't really remember how I met her or even why, but she was the one tucking me in at night, and right now that meant the world to me. She had freed me from so many inhibitions already, and no matter where we ended up, we would always be special.